Why a Dildo is a better partner than a Penis

Bruce Walston, Douchebag Cat Killer and Penis

Ladies and gentlemen, I am about to rant.

To a degree, all people in this society are told that they are incomplete without a partner, and thus many times people choose a substandard train wreck mess of a human being to partner with. This train wreck proceeds to make their life miserable. Train wrecks come in both female and male form. Both men and women are susceptible to being drawn in to the horrors involved with being intimate with a train wreck. But at this point in time I wish to address the toxic male version of the train wreck, AKA, The Penis. 

I am not hating on men as a whole. There are decent men in this world. But a Penis is not a man. He is a big walking dick. He also fits into the category of Douchebag, although he is often more malevolent than your standard douche. John Edwards and Jon Gosselin are douches. According to Amanda Hess of The Sexist, a douche is something that women have been told they ought to put in their vagina, but doing so is actually a highly questionable practice as douches have been proven in recent years to be detrimental to the health of the vagina. A human douche is an infantile man of questionable character. But your standard Douche would  never stoop to killing an animal or a child.

Believing that she is incomplete without a male appendage, a woman brings a Penis into her life. The Penis wants to get laid. He is bothered by such irritating nuisances as children, pets, and jobs. The above Penis, Bruce Walston, killed his girlfriend's pet kitten because the creature managed to unplug the video game that the Penis was playing while his girlfriend worked. 

Then there is this penis, one Troy Lamont Clay, who tied his girlfriend's six year old son to a pole in the basement and whipped him. Mom, not willing to give up her Penis, allowed this abuse to take place. Or Penis Calvin Jones, who beat his girlfriend's two year old daughter to death with a shoe when the toddler pooped on the floor. Mom opted to protect the penis and did nothing to save the now brain-damaged toddler, who died the next day.

There was a desperate time in my life after my divorce which involved allowing a string of penises and douches to emotionally and sometimes physically abuse me. Sadly, I did expose my young son to these unsavory elements at certain points. By the grace of some force greater than myself, I did NOT bring these creatures into my home. At a certain point I became tired of being abused by these not-men, and I refused to allow any more of them into my life.

People have actually condemned me for this. I'm missing out on sex, they say. A woman needs a man, they say. Bullshit, I say. It is better to go it alone than to let the desire for a Penis to overtake you to such a degree that you allow yourself, your children, and your pets to be abused, or worse, killed by selfish, overgrown brats in the guise of adult males.

Ladies, you do not need a Penis. If you are looking for a companion with whom to spend your life, it is worth taking the time to find one that is truly worthy, who possesses the qualities of empathy and compassion, and who takes responsibility. In other words, a man. Until then, if all you're looking for is a penis, please consider a dildo instead. A dildo is not a great conversationalist, but then again, it will not beat you or your children or kick your dog or cat. 

Then again, I can't say that I've ever met a Penis who was a particularly great conversationalist either.

Protect yourself, your children, and your pets. You're worth it. It is not worth it to let a Penis fuck up your life in order to quell your loneliness and/or horniness. I do know this from experience. Fortunately, I managed to avoid experiences as tragic as the ones described in the links above.