Dialogue

I was so happy with all the great responses I got on the last post. I tend to sometimes hold back on my thoughts and feelings as opposed to observations because it's painful to get cut down for those. Observations are easy because opinions are like assholes and everybody has them. And some people ARE them. Assholes, that is.

I realize that if I am a borderline Aspie, it would explain a lot about why working in a field like health care seems poisonous to me. There's too much stimulation. And here I've been doing it on and off for more than 20 years. Something like being a radio DJ, which I've always dreamed of, might actually be better because most of the time, even though there is public contact, I'd be in my own little world. I've never been able to make people understand that I don't dislike being a caregiver because I hate people--I don't really HATE anybody unless they do something truly heinous--I dislike being a caregiver because of having to always be ON. I never understood it before myself. Maybe this new level of understanding will actually help me to be kinder to myself, and maybe in the long run to open up a little more to others who are like me, rather than to the first person who shows me attention. Such people are often predators. There are vampires, folks, but they aren't immortal undead blood suckers. They are energy drainers who, if allowed in, destroy one's self esteem and leave them with just a shell. I am now working on shutting out the energy vampires and being more discerning--and eventually more open--to the good people.

Asperger-ish?

I took this test to determine the possibility that my discomfort in social situations and inability to interact with people in a socially adept way may indicate Asperger's syndrome.

I scored a 29. According to their scale:

Average woman scores 15. Average female scientist scores 17. Average man scores 18. Average male scientist scores 19. Average computer scientist of either sex scores 21. Average mathematician scores 24.

Scores over 32 indicate possible Asperger's or high functioning autism.

I am not saying that I am a genius by any means, but I actually did a test to see if I could get into Mensa, and I can (in spite of my incredibly shitty understanding of math.) I did not join, but it was interesting to know that I could, because I took the test as a lark. I was actually judged as being borderline retarded because of my poor scoring on the Ravens test (a type of IQ test that determines pattern recognition abilities) when I was twelve years old. What I learned was that I am not in fact retarded (except socially, evidently) but I am somewhat dyslexic. This surprised me because I am better than average at spelling, but I do have to triple check any number to make sure that I have it correct. 

I may not have Asperger's syndrome, but the test that I took does reflect that I have a terrible ability to mesh with normal society, because I don't think like "normal" people do. I'm not antisocial but I am somewhat asocial. I don't care a thing for being fashionable or looking or acting like everyone else. I notice what people look like and am in fact fascinated by facial features, different hair and skin colors, and figuring out what a person's heritage may be based on these factors. I also started noticing people who might have disorders in their genotype based on its expression their phenotype. For instance, you may enjoy this essay on Marfan Syndrome, a genetic mutation on the 15th chromosome which interferes with the production of fibrillin.

There's an old song by Rod Stewart, the main line of which is "she's just a little misunderstood, that's all."

People do tend to misunderstand my intentions. They get angry at the way I put things under a microscope, yet get angry at the way I find it impossible to categorize things in the same way that they do. Other women want to talk about how "hot" guys are. I may know if a guy is attractive to me, though my perceptions of attractive tend to be radically different from other people's. But I wouldn't know "hot" from the proper measurements to make nitroglycerin. I will not feel "hot" for somebody unless I have gotten to know something about him and there is reason to. To me, "hot" is a feeling, not an arbitrary attribute. I could go on all day about why certain facial features may or may not make a person attractive given another person's perspective. But is he hot? I don't know. That's subjective. Is he "hot" to you? Fine, that's how you feel. Does it really matter whether or not I do? I don't know the guy. I don't really feel it is right of me to pass such a value judgment on him.

It's this sort of thing that tends to alienate me from the crowd. I am not willing to pass a value judgment on another person based on his or her physical appearance. Some of the ugliest people are packaged in technically pretty wrappings, and some of the most beautiful people have external packages that may be a little the worse for wear. I tend to prefer the ones who are a little rough around the edges externally but beautiful inside to the ones who are considered beautiful outside but either have nothing on the inside, or worse, have nothing but ugliness there. Getting to know some people is like unwrapping a pretty box filled with cockroaches and centipedes. It is very traumatic and destructive.

One of my problems is that whenever a connection is severed, I tend to think about it obsessively to the point that my productivity is compromised. I am not sure if this is a feature of my OCD, a feature of my borderline personality disorder, if I actually have a degree of Asperger's, or a combination of the three. A lot of these disorders express co-morbidly. There may be overlapping features. 

I may be hard to figure--hell, I've really never figured myself out. But I do want to have friends. I'm very lonely. I may be incapable of being a social butterfly, but I'd love it if someone understood me a little. I hate looking in my email and finding nothing but fucking penny stock picks and advertisements. I wish that sometimes I'd get an email from a person.

I hope that maybe someone reading this will understand me just a little.