Dear Friends

If I still have any.

I sent some of you a rather desperate email yesterday. I now feel desperately ashamed for doing so. I want you all to know that I am NOT suicidal. I have NOT been doing any acts of self-injury. I am depressed right now, but there is a shit ton of stuff going on in my life, plus (sorry dudes) Aunt Flo is about to arrive and that always turns me into a raging bitch or a clingy cry baby. 

A change of meds has been suggested. I appreciate the concern but here is the thing about meds. I cannot tolerate the majority of pharmaceutical medications no matter what they are for. I have bad reactions to them. Antidepressants in specific make me psychotic. Depressed is one thing. Psychotic is another. As I am not normally psychotic, it is not a condition I am used to and I assure you, it is not one I enjoy. So please, though we are all trained to think "antidepressant," they don't work for me the way they are supposed to.

Therapy has also been suggested. I would consider this except that I literally cannot afford it. And I've really never had any luck with it.

As to anything else, I was lonely. Only this and nothing more. There is no need to read anything else into it. And I'm fucking sorry I reached out like that. So, let's all forget about it and go on about our lives, shall we?

Sincerely,

The Cheesy One

So lonely

I try to avoid whining like this these days because I know it's so pathetic. But I'm really lonely. Nobody reads or comments on my posts here or my blurbs on Facebook. I haven't gotten a personal email in a long time. I know I'm a real odd character and nobody gets me. It's probably got a logical, annoying explanation like people with borderline personality disorder don't do well with being alone. If that's the case what the shit fuck am I going to do when my annoying parents who never gave me jack shit for emotional support but whom I'm completely enmeshed with die, my brother is living 1000 miles away, and my son has his own life and no longer needs his old maw? The first person who tells me to get a boyfriend gets a hammer to the privates. The first one who tells me to get a girlfriend gets bitch slapped. I'm straight, but I'll take it easy on you if you didn't know that. With the guy thing you get worse because it actually pains me a bit to know that this is something that is impossible for me. With all my mental and physical problems, such a relationship is quite out of the question. I either end up with abusive guys or I fuck things up either way, or they die on me, or some other happy horseshit like that. Anyway, don't want that, and it is not a good idea, so don't suggest it.
I don't do a lot of wallowing any more about what should have been but sometimes with all the shit that didn't go right and when I'm alone I can't help it. Seems like I've lost my spiritual connection too and really this world just plain scares me. I wish I could be productive right now, I really do. Maybe I'll take a bath and get me a snack and try to work on something. It's better than wallowing.

Shit fuck, I'm lonely right now.

If you don't like the Alan Parsons Project ask yourself: "what the fuck is wrong with me?"