Monday, June 28, 2010


In this entire world I have not one single real friend. Not one person who will be there for me when I get low. Not one single person whom I can trust not to talk behind my back about me. Tell me, exactly why am I supposed to be okay with this? I have to accept it, I have no choice but to accept it. But no, I am not going to complacently think that "this is for my good." It's a bunch of shit. 
And for fuck's sake, I AM NOT PLANNING SUICIDE! I am just thinking out loud, in my own company. No-one else here, is there? I think not.
If I did not have a bunch of things depending on me: my son, my critters, I would do it. But that is not the case.
Not single one of y'all who are sitting in judgment of me know my heart. Not one of you care. You only want to sit in judgment of me and talk bad about me, doubt my experiences, doubt my words. You don't know me. And since you don't know me, keep your judgments to yourself.
I had a fair number of days where I was in balance. Now I am on the down low and no-one remembers. Nobody ever said hey I'm proud of you when I was doing better. Nobody said shit. 
There is this pathetic part of me that still thinks it needs people. Stupid waste of head space. I will kill this part off sooner or later. Right now it is bothering the fuck out of me. But I tell you this. I was strong enough to kill the need for romantic love, which is the most purely bullshit concept in the Universe. I will kill the need for friendship as well. It is clear to me that nobody will miss me. Well, that hurts right now. But one day it won't. And on that day when someone thinks they need me, I won't be there.