Saturday, June 26, 2010

So lonely

I try to avoid whining like this these days because I know it's so pathetic. But I'm really lonely. Nobody reads or comments on my posts here or my blurbs on Facebook. I haven't gotten a personal email in a long time. I know I'm a real odd character and nobody gets me. It's probably got a logical, annoying explanation like people with borderline personality disorder don't do well with being alone. If that's the case what the shit fuck am I going to do when my annoying parents who never gave me jack shit for emotional support but whom I'm completely enmeshed with die, my brother is living 1000 miles away, and my son has his own life and no longer needs his old maw? The first person who tells me to get a boyfriend gets a hammer to the privates. The first one who tells me to get a girlfriend gets bitch slapped. I'm straight, but I'll take it easy on you if you didn't know that. With the guy thing you get worse because it actually pains me a bit to know that this is something that is impossible for me. With all my mental and physical problems, such a relationship is quite out of the question. I either end up with abusive guys or I fuck things up either way, or they die on me, or some other happy horseshit like that. Anyway, don't want that, and it is not a good idea, so don't suggest it.
I don't do a lot of wallowing any more about what should have been but sometimes with all the shit that didn't go right and when I'm alone I can't help it. Seems like I've lost my spiritual connection too and really this world just plain scares me. I wish I could be productive right now, I really do. Maybe I'll take a bath and get me a snack and try to work on something. It's better than wallowing.
Shit fuck, I'm lonely right now.

If you don't like the Alan Parsons Project ask yourself: "what the fuck is wrong with me?"